<<  BACK TO RESOURCES Bridging the Parent-child Gap Andrew Robinson, M. ed. | Stop and Think executive director     HAVE YOU EVER HAD a boss whose communication was limited to telling you what to do and what not to do? How would you respond to a boss that got to know you, or showed an interest in you as a person, not just an employee? Maybe they even talked to you about their own life. There is something about this human connection that inspires us.     This same connection is essential for a parent-child relationship. With this connection in place a child is more likely to honor his or her parent's wishes, instructions, and values. Likewise, when children lack this parent-child relationship they tend to respond negatively.     A positive parent-child relationship is essential for parents talking with their children about sexual abstinence. Often we focus on what to say and overlook the foundational value of a relationship. The parent who may not say a lot about sex but has a strong, trusting relationship with his or her children is in a far better place than the parent who may have a lot to say but whose parent-child relationship is weak. Parents who make a concerted effort to strengthen their relationship with their children will likely find their children more receptive when discussing issues like sex and abstinence. CREATING A BRIDGE     The connection between a parent and child is like a bridge. On one side is the parent, on the other his or her child. Not any old bridge will do. The bridge must be strong, especially in regard to the topic of sex. Some parent-child bridges can tolerate light discussions, such as the day's events. Sex is one of the heaviest topics a parent and child can discuss. The parent-child bridge must be able withstand this weight. If talking about the day's events is like walking over the bridge, talking about sex is the equivalent of crossing in a triple trailer.     There are four components to a strong bridge: Listening, Investing, Boundaries, and Affection. In order for a parent-child bridge to maximize its capacity it must balance of all four components. Pursuing these components is not for the fainthearted. It requires courage, patience, and mistakes. As difficult as it may be, the benefits to your children are innumerable. LISTENING     The act of listening sounds so easy. In reality, it is universally difficult. Good listeners are not people who simply regurgitate the content of a conversation. Good listeners are people who seek to understand and sympathize with what someone else is saying. In short, good listeners seek to enter the world of the person who is speaking, while respecting the other person's boundaries.     When Sarah, a nine-year old with freckles from ear to ear, learned she would not be allowed to go with her parents on vacation she was furious. Her parents neither complied with Sarah's demands that she go along, nor scolded her for being upset. Instead they sat with Sarah and intently listened as Sarah communicated her feelings. Eventually Sarah began to cry. Her parents took turns holding and consoling her. Through the process of having her parents listen to her Sarah let go of her frustration and was fine when it came time for her parents to leave. Sarah's parents now have a stronger foundation for future communication with Sarah, simply because they sincerely listened to Sarah.     Who is the best listener you know? What makes them a good listener? Perhaps they ask questions to better understand what you are talking about. Their body language is probably engaging. They look you in the eye, or maybe they close their eyes or look away to think about what you have said. Even when they disagree you sense they truly understand your perspective. Finally, ask yourself, "How well do I listen to my child?" Think about the qualities that help you feel listened to. How well do you exhibit these qualities when your child is talking? Even when you disagree with them, does your child sense you understand their perspective?     Listening encourages sharing. A child who is listened to is likely to share. A parent who listens will earn the right to talk. When it comes time to discuss values about sexuality, a parent who listens will increase the chance that his or her child will respond positively to what he or she says. INVESTING     Investing in your child can take on many forms. Investing is similar to listening in that the parent is making a concerted effort to understand his or her child. A parent that invests is sincerely interest in and supportive of the uniqueness his or her child.     Recently some parents chose to show a sincere interest in their teenage son's obsession with skateboarding. Up until this point they had grown apart from their teen. Interactions with him were often characterized by conflict, followed by silence. The parents were amazed at what happened when instead of letting skateboarding become a point of contention they sought to understand their son's passion for skateboarding. They expressed their curiosity about skateboarding to their son and in time he began talking to them more respectfully and obeying their instructions. These parents made a decision to be more invested. They made an irreplaceable deposit in the life of their child. By doing a simple thing like enjoying their son's skateboarding they strengthened the parent-child bridge.     Investing can be daunting. It means trying to enter the world of a teen, which can be confusing and even frightening. Investing does not imply that the parent tries to be like the child. Doing so is of no help to the parent or child. Watch movies your child watches. Listen to the music your child listens to. Don't freak out. Just invest. Investing is a decision on the part of a parent to be intentionally curious about his or her child, including his or her interests.     Think of a time when someone recognized and showed sincere interest in something about you. It feels good when someone sees and values what makes us unique. Children blossom when this kind of investment of time and attention is given to them by their parents. BOUNDARIES     Of all the aspects of bridge building, setting boundaries requires the most tact and wisdom. Boundaries are often either too loose, or too rigid. Good boundaries are set for the child's best interest. Parenting can be scary business and unfortunately it is often out of this fear and sense of being out of control that we set boundaries. In these cases the boundaries are for a parent's own comfort and not for the child's well-being.     Parents are often reluctant to set boundaries with their teens for fear of how their child may react. Mike and Theresa set appropriate boundaries for their son Jason. Invariably Jason would protest and eventually his parents would loosen the boundaries. Unknowingly Mike and Theresa were teaching Jason that if he challenged their boundaries he could get his way. Mike and Theresa didn't realize that they were communicating to Jason that they didn't think he could meet their demands. In time, as Mike and Theresa set clear boundaries that they enforced, their relationship with Jason actually improved. Best of all, Jason reported feeling better about himself.     Healthy boundaries communicate to a child that his or her parents have expectations for what he or she can achieve. Specifically, healthy boundaries set positive expectations for who a child can be, more so than what they can do. Boundaries that are too loose communicate to the child that you have low expectations for what they can achieve. Low expectations are disheartening to a child. Rigid boundaries are equally discouraging in that they are often unrealistic and unattainable. Healthy boundaries encourage children to prosper and deepen and strengthen the parent-child bond. AFFECTION     Perhaps the greatest human need is for attachment. Affection is a primary means by which a parent and child form attachment. From birth we all long for connection with others, especially our parents. Attachment with parents provides children with a deep sense of safety and security that will accompany him or her through life. Affection in its many forms is the act of saying "I recognize and appreciate you."     Instead of being a pillar in the bridge, affection is the road that travels across the support pillars of listening, investing, and boundaries. Parents who give consistent, intentional affection to their children throughout their development are paving a smooth, firm road. For a child to hear what his or her parents have to say about sex this road must be well maintained.     Even though it wasn't cool for a dad to give his 16-year-old son a hug, Bryan found regular opportunities to put his arm around his son's shoulder. They'd laugh and pretend to wrestle. Bryan was communicating how much he adored his son. This kind of consistent, respectful affection has no substitute.     Affection can take many forms. It is important to learn what kind of affection your child is most receptive to. For a parent to touch his or her child in a kind, thoughtful, and respectful manner can be marvelously powerful. Some children don't respond to this kind of affection, but may respond to a well-timed compliment. The first step for the parent is to determine the ways his or her child experiences affection. All that is left is for the parent to find the appropriate, consistent times to display this affection.     Parenting is perhaps the most rewarding, most difficult, and most enjoyable thing we will ever do. We so easily forget this. Unintentionally, we reduce the parent-child relationship to rules and regulations. No parent will parent perfectly. We will make mistakes and undoubtedly have regrets. What matters most is our commitment as parents to do well by our child to the best of our abilities.     We can all stand to listen better, invest more, set better boundaries, and show more affection. If we are willing to increase our efforts and take risks, we will strengthen our respective parent-child relationships. In time we will see our relationship with our child deepen and strengthen and the parent-child bridge will grow in strength. As big issues like sex arise, the parent and child will be able to navigate through the confusion together rather than separately.