<<  BACK TO RESOURCES The Top 5 Questions Teens Ask About Sex--When Parents Aren't Around 1. My friend said that you can have oral sex and still be abstinent. Is that true?     First, it is important to define the terms you have used. If by "abstinent" you mean abstaining from sexual intercourse the answer would be yes, but only in a technical sort of way. I would encourage you to not limit your definition of sex to intercourse. Sex is much more complex than that. At Stop and Think, we define sex as "any act between two people intended to cause arousal." Oral sex would obviously fit this description.     Sex and oral sex should both be considered serious forms of sexual expression. Neither are harmless. Unfortunately, many teens think oral sex is no big deal, and don't think it counts as "real sex." Some statistics say that about half of middle school students are having oral sex.     Any perceptions of oral sex as a "safe" activity are misleading. Many sexually transmitted diseases can be contracted via oral sex. Additionally, oral sex is not free from emotional consequences, such as guilt, regret, and memories we carry throughout life. 2. Why wait for sex until marriage when half of all marriages end in divorce?     Divorce is a big deal. My parents got divorced, and I know how hard that can be. Even though divorce is common, it's important not to lose hope. Just because my parents got divorced doesn't mean I have to get divorced, too. The choice to wait to have sex until I'm married, and the choice to remain married, are my own choices. The bottom line is this: whether we come from a two-parent family or not, we are still responsible for our decisions relating to sex and relationships. Choose to be self-controlled, responsible, and abstinent until marriage. You will be glad you did. 3. Isn't sex a good and natural thing? If so, why wait?     Like our hunger for food, sex is a natural urge. Just as it is against our nature to deny our natural hunger urge (which I try to satisfy as soon as possible), it may seem crazy that we would deny our natural urge for sex.     There are exceptions to this rule. There is a time and place to deny our natural urges. Several years ago a friend named Ben and I came home from a long run on a hot day. Ben burst through the front door and headed for the refrigerator. Without even thinking, he decided to satisfy his natural urge to drink something. He started chugging a carton of orange juice. The next thing I knew, he was spitting it out. The juice was chunky and rotten.     Even though sex is a natural urge (like Ben's thirst) many teens choose not to satisfy the urge immediately. Many teens choose to deny their natural urge and wait because they believe their decision will benefit them in the long run. It is natural to feel a sexual urge and want to express it. Like Ben realizing he was drinking rotten orange juice, many teens who act on their sexual urge discover sex isn't all they thought it would be. I don't know anyone who regrets waiting until marriage for sex. 4. I have a friend who was raped. Does that mean she is no longer a "virgin?"     No. Sex and rape are two entirely different things. Sex is a special, meaningful act between two consenting adults. Rape is one person violating another person's will. Rape is not sex. A person who has experienced rape has not experienced sex. Such a person is still a virgin, if by "virgin" you mean a person who has never willingly had sex.     Keep in mind everyone who experiences the horror of rape has experienced something traumatic. Like someone who has been through the trauma of war, rape victims will need time to heal. Nurturing friends, family, counselors, and clergy can all be helpful in this process. 5. I've been sexually active. Won't I get made fun of if I decide to be abstinent?     You will very likely get made fun of if you decide to be abstinent. A decision to wait until marriage for sex is a huge decision, especially for someone who has been sexually active. This may be especially difficult if you have friends who are sexually active.     When I decided to start practicing abstinence, I also changed my circle of friends. I intentionally spent time with people who were goal oriented and would support my decision to wait until marriage for sex. I would not be where I am today without having made better decisions and choosing friends who supported those decisions.     It is always hard to be made fun of. Just remember you will be stronger for not giving in. At times you may wonder if you will be able to handle the pressure. Remind yourself of your goals and the benefits of saving sex for marriage.